Meltdown

I just read something about homecoming on the Stennis wives' page and... I kind of lost it. I got up and checked on the kids, and Audrey had snuck into my bed (she does this sometimes and i have to move her back to hers). I was going to move her, but then I thought for now, until I go to sleep, it's okay. I turned back to leave the room. I felt so restless. I just had to move. My gaze landed on the picture of me & Jimmy sitting on our dresser... we were sitting on a late night train from Chicago back home to Waukegan. Our heads were together, foreheads touching, smiling. He was looking at me with that sexy grin that he does. That look. My god.

I walked out of the room and sat on the stairs and burst into tears.

I don't know why, exactly. I missed the frg meeting yesterday... and it was such a huge one. They gave all the information about homecoming. A friend gave me the info. this evening post meltdown-crying-jag-on-the-stairs, so that was nice.

I just... ache for him. I tried to write him to explain it, I tried to think of some beautifully poetic metaphor for what it was like being without him, being so close to having him home again.

I wrote:

...and then ofcourse the reunions will happen...

 and i'll be whole again.

anyway...
i just miss you so much, you know? it just hurts. it's so close now i can feel it. but i can't, too. it's... like...

i don't know. i can't write anything poetic sounding right now, i'm tired. i'm tired of feeling like writing poetic things about how much i miss you, because i'm tired of missing you. i'm tired of missing you.

i want to go to sleep now so that i can wake up and it's one day less and we're one day closer... i'm just going to put this stupid day behind me and move on.

What can  say? He's my everything. He's been gone for seven months and sometimes I'm not sure if I remember what it's like to be kissed, to be held, to be made love to, to see his smile, to hold his hand.

God I can't talk about it... I just can't. I want it now. This is torture! The anticipation is torture!

Goodnight... when I wake up, it'll be one more day behind me. A stupid day at that, Valentine's Day. While I didn't get flowers, I did get a wonderful phone call. He loves me with all his heart.